It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Randomize
