I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
