if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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