why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
