i just wanna soil my oats bro
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
