God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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