Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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