Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
