Well apparently he's into motor boating.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
