Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Randomize
