my being single is dangerous.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
