it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
