my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
