Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
