It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
