When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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