it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
