I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
