I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
