so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
50% drunk capacity currently
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
