my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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