I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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