May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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