Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
