I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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