we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I just blew my weed a kiss
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
