i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
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