I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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