I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
