Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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