The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
