Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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