i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
