If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
