Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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