I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
