What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
