I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
