I'm so fucking centered right now
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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