I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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