Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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