my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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