Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
