You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
