I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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