Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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