oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
