god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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