oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
