I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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